i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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