to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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