You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
