you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
