I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
as a side note pls kill me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
