i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
