yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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