He uses pillows to masturbate.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize