2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
