Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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