I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I understand Curling. That high.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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