I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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