i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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