he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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