I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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