In America we eat man semen.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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