You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
