the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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