you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
