tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
