I hate all girls vehemently.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize