we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize