I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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