My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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