he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
