i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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