My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize