Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
