What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
