Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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