Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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