I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
dude. I can hear the air.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
