i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
