she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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