I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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