Your dad touched me again.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
