His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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