I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
