Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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