There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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