You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
