you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
