I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
