they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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