Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
