A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
