This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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