I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
