She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
