Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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