I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
