He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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