theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
