why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
