they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
