yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
