I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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