I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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